Warning(s): Language and angst.
Author’s Notes: Ah…I wish I could tell everyone to enjoy this. x_X As always, comments are lots and lots of ♥.

Chapter Eighteen: The Edge

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Let’s get through this,

is what you told me.

I nodded my head and smiled.

If only life was that simple and elegant.

_________________________________________

Did he really care anymore? Was he even supposed to give a damn? He didn’t know anything, now did he?

No. Not a fucking single thing.

Nino followed Jun wordlessly on the sidewalk, hands numb at his side. He was exhausted. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to be anywhere but there. He wanted to run away. He wanted everything to stop. He wanted to go back in time. He wanted the truth.

He wanted to stop wanting so much.

“Where should we go, do you think?”

Nino had half a mind to ignore Jun and give him the cold shoulder. His lips moved by their own accord, however, and gave a polite and calm answer.

“Anywhere you want,” Nino heard himself say. Jun merely gave a small smile and a hum of understanding. It was getting near sunset; Nino didn’t have enough strength to prepare himself for the rest of the day’s events. His heart thumped hollowly but surely inside of his chest. He watched the concrete disappear underneath his steps, only to blend into black asphalt. Looking up, Nino realized that Jun was calling a taxi for them.

Nino climbed in after Jun, settling himself into the soft seat of the car. The air conditioner cooled the accumulating sweat on his forehead. Its steady hum and the radio were the only sounds in the small cab. Nino watched Jun with little interest; the man only looked out of the window, bored. The actor hadn’t heard their destination, too occupied in his dreary thoughts.

His thoughts would get him nowhere; Nino was already aware of that fact. Quite the opposite, they would only make him feel worse and weaker than he already was. But they were the only thing he had, the only constant companions when everything else left or was broken. A good hour passed him in silence, both men not feeling in the mood to strike up conversation.

As the sun was finally letting its last rays of light shine over the horizon, the taxi came to a stop. Jun pulled out a wad of bills without hesitation and handed it to the driver. He made his way out of the car, Nino following dutifully.

Looking up, the sun was starting to bleed with blue and purple, tentative streaks of orange and red running across the sea.

The sea.

Nino’s stomach instinctively churned at the sight of waves and murky water. His shoes were beginning to sink into the sand, leaving imprints that would surely be blown away.

“You wanted to go to the beach, Jun-kun?” he asked, his voice barely above a murmur. Maybe he’d taken him here because he detested the sea so much. He didn’t know what to make of Jun. The model ignored him pointedly, leading him to a small cliff off to the side. The two climbed higher and higher, sand giving way to sturdy rock. Gusts of wind began to blow more fiercely, forcing Nino to squint his eyes against it.

When they reached the top of it, Nino’s feet ached from the uneven bumps of the hill and climb. He leaned back on a tall rock to catch a better breath, his back slumping.

‘Apparently we’re not eating dinner,’ he noted dully. It was fine with him; he wasn’t hungry. ‘Way to plan a date, Matsumoto.’ He was sarcastic with himself, his mental tone lined with sleepiness. His eyes were tempted to drift close, but Nino kept them open with small effort.

Spread out in front of him was a large area of stone which lead to a small point at the cliff’s edge. The wind grew stronger with each breeze, causing Nino’s clothes to flap violently against his skin. His hair whipped against his face a bit painfully, but he easily ignored the sting. Nino was more interested in Jun, who was still standing still in the middle of the area.

“Truth,” Jun started loudly, “or dare, Nino?”

Nino stared in confusion, tilting his head.

“What?” he asked for clarification.

“Truth or dare?” Jun repeated, kicking at a stray rock in the ground. Nino could barely hear him over the howling wind which echoed in his ears. He wondered how Jun could possibly stay so calm and collected when the gusts of air felt like they were going to knock him over to his feet.

“T-truth,” Nino said hesitantly. Jun stared at him with a piercing gaze, causing shivers to run up Nino’s spine that weren’t caused by the wind.

“Would you like to know the truth?”

It was a simple question. It was the question Nino had asked himself night after night ever since he’d come home to Japan.

“Yes.”

Was it his mind or heart that had spoken? Nino honestly didn’t know for the life of him.

Jun smiled predatorily, teeth poking out from behind his lips.

“Follow me then.”

‘To where? We’re on the top of a cliff.’ Nino’s question was answered quickly as his eyes followed Jun. Slowly and deliberately, Jun made his way closer and closer to the edge of the rock. Nino froze, his heart stopping rather painfully. Jun couldn’t possibly be telling him to stand on the edge.

“Scared?”

Nino couldn’t tell if it was himself asking or Jun. Without thinking, Nino caught up to Jun quickly, feeling the rock getting thinner underneath the soles of his shoes.

“Can you see over the edge yet, Nino?” Jun asked him calmly from their spot which was still a meter away from the edge. Stretching his eyes, Nino could barely see the tips of dark, moist sand.

“Barely,” he answered shakily, his hands trembling against his thighs. The wind screamed in his ears, Jun’s voice barely making it through to him.

“Have you ever fallen, Nino?”

Nino’s mouth ran dry at the sudden question. Sure, he’d fallen off a swing when he was five years old, and also off his bike as a teenager. But those obviously wouldn’t count.

“N-no. I haven’t.” Nino hated how his voice sounded weak and fragile, but ironically, that was how he felt inside. He felt his strength being blown away by the wind and taken hostage in Jun’s sharp stare. His eyes and feet followed Jun take a couple more steps closer to the edge. Every move his body made was not of his brain’s choice; by chance, was it his heart which now decided his fate? The stars twinkled above the two, watching this scene with amused turns.

“Everyone else in Arashi has. So, would you like to tell me why you haven’t?” Jun said as if he was telling him the time of day. He took another step forward, smiling as Nino followed suit.

Nino’s jaw was slack with confusion, and his stomach lurched as he could now see the rolling waves underneath him. The sea had become a large black moving force which would devour everything that fell into it. Were tears stinging his eyes? Or was that sand?

“I…don’t know, Jun-kun.” Nino felt his throat slowly closing in on itself, making it harder and harder to speak. Jun gave a laugh full of disbelief and amusement to the wind, letting it be carried off to the heavens.

“Are you that stupid?”

Another step.

“The answer’s quite obvious.”

Another step.

“It’s right in front of you, Nino.”

Jun was nearly standing on the edge now, the tips of his shoes hanging off the rock. Nino watched with fearful and helpful eyes. One more step and Jun would be off the cliff, most likely falling to the jagged and pointed rocks on the beach below them.

“Follow me, and I’ll tell you,” Jun whispered. It was a miracle that Nino was able to hear him. Flying off into the night wasn’t an option, but running was. His feet were nailed the ground, his body swaying back and forth with the wind. “Do you know how easy it is,” Jun smiled leisurely, “to fall over the edge?”

Nino opened his mouth and then closed it. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? Even his heart could not help him now.

His true self was being extracted out of himself. You could always be taught to love someone, hate someone, respect someone, Nino’d believed. Environment and guidance made your being who it was, and your morals were shaped by the way you were taught. After society was done with you, there was only a little part left that would truly be yourself.

So what decision would his true self make?

Nino was frightened and shocked as his feet moved forward, joining Jun at the edge. He could see the points of sharp rocks at the bottom, waves creating a white, foamy ring around them. With a single move, both of them could be spiraling downwards to death.

It was the first time Nino had ever been scared of death.

Jun leaned into Nino, his mouth nestled right next to the actor’s ear. Nino shivered uneasily at feeling Jun’s familiar warmth.

“It’s your fault.”

Nino felt his heart drop into his stomach, as if breath had been captured by the wind. His body froze, his knees almost buckling.

“You made us fall.”

The urge to scream grabbed his throat, tearing at the insides of his lungs. Nino couldn’t seem to gasp for air, only staying in suspended silence.

“It’s your fault,” Jun repeated in sick pleasure. He brought up a finger to caress Nino’s lips. “Won’t you say something?” he continued, whispering as if he was telling a sweet secret to the older man. A mad fire ignited in Jun’s eyes, and Nino felt pangs of fear rip at his mind.

“Nino, why are you so cruel?” Jun mumbled with a sugary tone. “You left us, you know? You left us chasing after your back. You left us to our ruin.” With each whisper, Nino wanted more and more to fall over the edge. The wind pushed them back to the rock, however, as if wanting to keep both of them from falling.

Jun pulled away slowly, his scent sticking to Nino’s clothes. The actor was still frozen to the spot, the pupils in his eyes dilating.

“Ohno Satoshi,” Jun said, “Aiba Masaki, Matsumoto Jun, Sakurai Sho.” With each name, Jun brought up a finger. “That’s funny,” he remarked in a tone that wasn’t amused at all. “I thought that there were five members in Arashi.”

‘Stop,’ Nino whimpered in his mind. ‘Please just stop.’

“Guess I was wrong.”

Nino let out a quiet noise that sounded like a choke and a gasp. His hands gripped at the fabric of his jeans, assuring himself that he was still at the top.

‘The top.’

“As they say, the higher you climb, the harder you fall.” Jun took a miniscule step further, daring Nino to do the same. Nino couldn’t seem to break out of his frozen state, but Jun seemed content to leave him there. “Do you know what it’s like to see the people closest to you fall?” Jun chuckled, tossing his hair in the wind. “Not even fall. Shatter is more like it,” he murmured.

“That’s not true,” Nino whispered, barely audible. Jun turned to look at him.

“What did you say?” His tone was light and playful, as if he hadn’t said anything at all.

“That’s not true,” Nino repeated, louder. His eyes trembled, his vision not being able to focus on anything.

“Not true, Nino?” Jun laughed once before turning to him fully. Anger seemed to radiate off the model’s body, scaring Nino. “Not true? Not true?” Nino shook; he couldn’t feel anything at this point. “Look at the stars, Nino.”

Nino stayed in his spot, his eyes refusing to look up from the ground.

“I TOLD YOU TO LOOK,” Jun screeched in indignation. The model grabbed Nino’s chin harshly, forcing him to look up at the sky. Tears were beginning to prick the edges of his eyes, making the stars blurred. “That was us, Nino. That was us, but you ruined it.” Jun tightened his grip on Nino’s chin, the latter giving out a small cry of pain. “We fell, and I regret the fact that I couldn’t make you watch us fall.”

Jun ripped his hand from Nino’s skin, as if he burned him with his betrayal.

“Were you happy in America? Because I damn hope you were.”

Nino crumbled to the floor, his knee bouncing over the edge. He gripped at the rock, feeling its sturdiness underneath him.

“You know what I think about happiness?” Jun continued mercilessly, not caring that he’d already engraved his words into Nino’s memory forever. “No one can be happy without the pain of others. You could only achieve your status in America, without us may I remind you, because you let us fall.” Jun let out a bitter chuckle.

Nino stared hard at the rock, his mind turning over with new and old thoughts.

“I wasn’t hap-“

“Don’t you DARE tell me you weren’t happy in America, Ninomiya,” Jun yelled fiercely, promptly shutting up the actor. “Because that would mean that we were hurt and changed forever for nothing.” Nino watched the man tremble with anger and frustration. Tears spilled down the actor’s cheeks relentlessly, never once stopping after they began. It was a sin to be watching such a beauty become so full of hate and wrath.

And to think he caused it.

Nino shook his head repeatedly, trying to block out the thoughts which attacked his being.

“Do you know what you did?” Jun spat, all signs of playfulness gone. “Riida fell off our stage in a concert. He nearly destroyed his dancing career. Do you know why?”

Nino whispered to himself mentally, ‘because of me.’

“Maybe he was going hysterical, but he said that he saw you in the audience. He wanted to see you so fucking badly, he imagined you up. He tried to chase after you, and he fell. He could’ve died from the height of the stage.”

The actor’s eyes widened, tears streaming faster. The idea of falling was becoming clearer and more frightful by the second. His heart was pounding at a pace that might’ve cause his chest to explode.

“And that’s just the beginning,” Jun snarled. His left foot now was almost completely off the edge; he was balancing his weight carefully. “Aiba,” he said with a tint of regret to his voice. “Oh god, Aiba.” Jun had to pause because his throat was tightening painful with the thought of Aiba. He took a deep breath, not wanting to lose to the tears that were slowly gathering in his eyes. “He hated watching us drift apart. He wanted the past back. He wanted you back, Nino.” The tone in Jun’s voice caused Nino to let out a choked sob.

The two men fell into a momentary silence when Jun tried to collect himself. After a couple minutes of the howling wind, he continued.

“Why, Nino?” he asked helplessly. “Why did you have to ruin us? Why weren’t you happy with the way things were?” Jun’s voice was beginning to crack, and Nino struggled to hear him over the wind. Each word impaled him painfully, threatening to take the last of his sanity. “You don’t know how many times I’ve stood on this ledge and almost jumped,” Jun confessed, a caustic tear falling down to his cheek. There was another bitter chuckle from Jun. “There was only one thing that kept me from doing it though.”

Nino gulped, the answer pounding at his mind. ‘Me?’ he thought doubtfully.

“You,” Jun growled. “There was this belief that maybe you would come back and save us. Maybe you’d come back and make things right for us again.”

Nino bent over in pain, grabbing at his pulsating head.

“I waited for you, Nino.”

How was it possible for someone to sound so heartbroken and lost? Nino let out a strangled cry, not wanting to hear anymore. Jun’s voice penetrated strongly relentlessly.

“We all waited for you.”

Nino whimpered in pain, his eyes already bloodshot. He’d lost feeling, and he didn’t know if his heart was still pumping blood to the rest of his body.

“But you never came, so we fell even further because of our shattered beliefs.”

Jun cast one last look to the ocean which now was roaring and violent, similar to that of the wind. He sneered at Nino’s pathetic state, putting all of his weight back onto the rock. He walked away, ready to descend the cliff and leave.

“So I hope you’re happy when you go back to America now. There’s no one you could still possibly hurt.”

He turned and went down the side of the cliff, leaving Nino by himself, curled up on the edge of the rock.

‘Because there’s no one there for you to hurt anymore.’

Nino found it amusing that his own mind would complete Jun’s sentence. He lay there in silence and loneliness.

And he waited.

Whether it was for the past or tomorrow, Nino wasn’t quite sure yet.

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